don't you give me your love
by Befham
Summary: When Jax does the unthinkable, Tara hits the bottle and ends up meeting our favourite companionator.
1. Chapter 1

Tara wakes with a pounding head and a heavy heart.

The picture of a nameless blonde riding her husband's dick is burned into her mind and no amount of alcohol in the world will ever be able to wipe that memory away. She remembers nothing but the feel of the blonde's nose crunching beneath her fist and the pain of her knuckles splitting open as they connected with soft skin as that old seething anger burned through her veins. Jax had pulled her back against his naked chest and the whispers of her beloved husband pleading with her to stop echoed in her ear. Tara had twisted away from him and thrown back her fist and clocked him in the jaw. Jax's head had snapped back, and though she ached to do more damage, she couldn't bear to be near him any longer. "Don't you dare touch me you piece of fucking shit!" she had spat at him. She pushed past him and met every eye of the Sons who now stood in the open doorway to see what the commotion was about. Not one of them met her eye as she passed them and walked through the clubhouse with her head held high. The whispers and the stares of croweaters followed her out all the way to the car until she was pulling away and driving as fast as she could.

Tara remembers feeling the anger coursing through her veins and the tears that threatened to fall. He loves you, she told herself. This is just part of the life. But there were no excuses that could be made this time. As she drove past the You are now leaving Charming sign, Tara had spared a thought for her boys stuck with Gemma and pressed down on the accelerator. She drove for a long while hoping to distract herself from the image of her husband with another woman, until she couldn't take it any longer and had stopped at the first bar she came across. After her first shot turned into her second, and then her third and forth her memories become fuzzy.

The tears spring to Tara's eyes and though she keeps them shut, a couple manage to escape anyway. She buries her face into her pillow and lets herself release one gut wrenching sob before she pushes all thoughts of Jackson Teller away.

He will not break her. She can survive without him if need be. Since Opie's death, she has become quite accustomed to Jax's long silences and cold stares. Wounds that she had thought healed between them years before have come back, and despite her best efforts, she cannot see the man that she loves in the man who she wakes up next to each morning.

With Abel and Thomas in mind, Tara forces herself to open her eyes, and she immediately wishes that she hadn't bothered.

The room that she wakes in is not her own. Tara's breath catches in her throat as she pushes herself up off the unfamiliar bed. She clutches the silk sheet to her naked chest as she notices an empty bottle of tequila and clothes flung carelessly across the floor. There's a delicious ache between her legs that tells her how she spent her night and if that didn't clue her in, then the smell of sex that lingered in the air certainly did.

Tara pushes away the guilt that settles in her stomach as the word adulteress whispers in her mind. Jax cheated first. Endless times as far as she considered. This isn't the same.

Except that it totally is.

Trying to quell the panic bubbling in her chest, Tara wraps the expensive sheet around herself as if it is battle armor. She cautiously makes her way to her bag and grabs her phone, all the while keeping a wary eye out for the mysterious man who had shared her bed last night.

She's glaring at the twelve missed calls on her phone, most of which are from Gemma wondering where the fuck she is, when the bathroom door opens revealing a freshly showered man.

Tara shrieks and drops her phone in surprise. Far quicker than any hungover person has any right to be, Tara scrambles for her bag and pulls out the gun she carries at all times and points it at the intruder in a panic. She backs away as quickly as possible until her back hits the wall.

The man's eyes widen in surprise and holds his hands up in surrender. "Hey, hey. Calm down lover! Was last night really that bad?"

"Who the hell are you?" Tara spits out.

"Wow, really? You don't remember me?" Tara shakes her head. The man looks offended as he explains, "You came home with me last night. You remember in the bar?" Tara shakes her head again. "This is my place. Look lover, I'm not gonna hurt you." He takes two steps closer to her until she raises the gun with steady hands.

"Back off!"

He rolls his eyes. "Do you even know how to use that thing Princess?" Tara clicks off the safety and raises an eyebrow. "Okay. Point taken." There's a trace of a smile on his face and mirth in his eyes as he stares her down with cool confidence.

The door opens and in walks an older woman with beautiful long black hair. She gives Tara the once over with an amused smile and raises an eyebrow at the man. "Nice. Listen, I hate to interrupt your post coital ritual, but you have an appointment. Can you wrap this up?" she says with a husky voice, waving her hand at Tara dismissively.

She ignores her, and whilst they chat away as if she is not in the room, she studies the man before her. He's got quite a few years on her, all dark hair but graying beard. He looks good, really good. All toned muscles and dark skin despite his age. His warm eyes flick back to hers every few seconds springs something warm in her chest. The scar on his chest makes her pause for a moment, and then she notices the tattoos and she begins to realize with dark amusement that maybe she has a type.

She jumps back to reality when the door slams closed. They stare at one another, and God damn him and that infuriating little smirk, but she starts to loosen her hold on her gun.

His smile widens. "Look lover, all the shit that went down last night, it was all consensual. In fact, you initiated it. And who am I to say no to a woman as beautiful as you?" Despite herself she can feel a blush forming on her cheeks. Jesus, she feels like a giggling schoolgirl. "I'm pretty sure we had fun. You gonna put the gun down now lover?"

Tara eyes him for a moment before sighing heavily. She clicks on the safety and puts the gun back in her bag.

The man smiles. "Good. You're welcome to use my shower. I'm gonna head downstairs, have some coffee. You're welcome to join me lover, but if you want to sneak off then that's cool too." He steps closer to her and holds out his hand. "I'm Nero, in case you don't remember. And it was a pleasure meeting you Tina."

Tara stares at his hand incredulously. "Tina?" she says in disbelief.

The man, Nero, raises an eyebrow. "Yeah. You said your name is Tina." Tara's blush deepens when he smirks. "Well, I guess that the number you gave me is gonna be wrong too, huh lover?"

Tara remains silent, but nonetheless she's thankful when Nero drops his hand and winks at her before leaving her alone.

She's grateful for the shower. She stays in there for a long time, washing away all of the shit that went down yesterday. The image of Jax and his latest blonde is replaced with the image of Nero's head between her thighs, his brown eyes locked on her face as he watches her reaction. Despite herself, a spark of desire ignites deep in her belly. She doesn't know if it's a memory or just her imagination, but decides that it's better to forget all about Nero for his sake and her own.

She spares a thought of Jax's reaction if he knew what she was up to last night, but she pushes the thought away uneasily.

She dresses quickly, grabs her things and is out of the door like a shot. Sparing a brief thought as to where she's left her car, it takes her moment to notice the various women in short skirts and slinky dresses. She raises an incredulous eyebrow and for an absurd moment all she wants to do is laugh.

"You want breakfast?" Tara jumps out of her skin and and turns to see an amused Nero staring at her.

"Are you a pimp?" she asks, trying to sound unaffected, though is very presence has her a quivering bag of nerves.

"I prefer the term companionater. I bring folks together. I'm all about the love."

Her lips twitch into a reluctant smile despite her current predicament. This Nero has a certain charm about him, and she can easily see how she fell into his bed last night. "Well, that's an unusual way to phrase it."

Nero smirks, and she would be lying if she said that it doesn't make her stomach flutter in the way exact same way Jax used to. He takes a step closer and tilts his head curiously. "I'm guessing that I'm not going to be seeing you again, am I lover?"

Unable to find words, Tara shakes her head.

Nero's smirk falls slightly, but his dancing eyes stare at her intently. "You married or something?"

She considers lying, but she's already feeling pretty rotten about giving him a fake name and number and perhaps it's best he hears the truth on the off chance he learns who her husband is. "Yes," Tara says simply, not offering him an excuse or explanation.

"I see," Nero hums. "Where's your ring?"

"Huh?"

"Where's your wedding ring lover?"

Tara looks at her left hand and tries to squash the panic as she realizes that it's completely bare. "Shit," Tara breathes,

"Listen lover, it's no sweat. You probably just left it in your car or something. Let me take you back to your car, or I can call you a cab if you prefer and you can forget that this ever happened."

It's not what she wants. She wants to stay here a little longer with this refreshing man and forget about her problems with Jax and her constant feud with Gemma. She wants to feel like herself again just for a few minutes, even if it's just getting a coffee with this strange man.

But she can't. She has responsibilities and a life to get back to. A life that may not be what she expected it to be, but it's what she chose, and now she's facing the consequences.

"A ride would be good. Thank you," Tara says quietly, trying to convey her appreciation with her eyes.

"Let me get my keys," he says quietly. Tara watches him wearily as he walks over to what she assumes is the reception. He stands close to the woman who had walked in on them earlier and says something she can't quite catch, but the woman's cold eyes meet hers briefly before they flick back to Nero. Tara swallows tightly, trying to ignore the unease in her belly. Nero looks back at her and smiles softly. He doesn't spare the other woman a look as he walks back to her. "Follow me." He leads her through a maze of corridors, and the sounds coming from behind the closed doors has her flushing. Nero looks over his shoulders and raises his eyebrows but otherwise remains silent. Eventually he leads her outside and to an expensive truck. She hides her smile as he opens the passenger door for her, holding out his hand to help her in.

She gets in and frowns at their still joined hands. "I don't know where I left my car-"

"It's all good. You left it at the bar." Tara nods and wrenches her eyes away, wondering how the fuck she's gong to deal with Gemma, and she can't even bare to think about laying eyes on Jax. But she knows that she can't hide away forever, and she's really missing her boys.

"Chin up lover," Nero says, his eyes tight despite the perkiness of his voice. "You will be rid of me in no time." He shuts the car door before she can reply which is probably for the best, because she really doesn't want to be rid of him just yet.


	2. Chapter 2

They drive in silence for a few moments. It's almost peaceful sitting here with this stranger who is looking at her as a woman, not Jax Teller's Old Lady. She almost feels like a person again after almost an entire day away from her family and the club. As the years have passed by, she has given more and more to Jax and that damned club until she has almost nothing left to give.

It has all been for nothing. Every sacrifice she has made has been chucked back in her face, all in the name of a love that she isn't sure exists anymore.

"There's some Advil in the glove compartment," Nero says, shocking her from her thoughts.

Now that he's mentioned it, her head is starting to throb. It's been years since she drank as much as she had last night, and her body seems keen to remind her.

"So what's your real name?"

"Does it matter?" she counters.

Nero shrugs. "I usually like to know the name of the woman I spent my night with."

"I don't remember last night," Tara replies, hoping to end the conversation but Nero is relentless.

"Really? Ouch!" he hisses, holding a hand to his heart. "Well, your loss chica. It was hot. Still, just tell me your name."

Tara glances at him and chews on her lip in thought. Seeing her indecision, Nero rolls his eyes and shoots her an amused look. "Where's the harm lover? You've made it pretty clear that we won't be seeing one another again."

"I just don't think it's a good idea," Tara replies quietly.

Nero snorts. "Your man dangerous or some shit?"

Oh you have no idea. She doesn't want to even imagine Jax's reaction if he ever found out about this night. It wouldn't be pretty, that's for sure. She can still remember the savage look in his eye he would get when Tara would kiss a random guy to make him jealous when they were on one of their numerous breaks back in high school.

Her husband has not calmed with age.

Nero would not be looking at her twice if he knew the shit storm that could head his way if Jax ever found out. Tara eyes Nero's chest, remembering the firm muscles and the gang tattoos that covered his body, and for a moment she believes that perhaps he would be able to hold his own against her husband. But she's seen Jax fight, seen the blood lust in his eyes and the feral curl of his mouth as he tears a man to pieces with his bare hands. Fighting back a shiver, Tara remains silent and looks out the window.

There's a heavy sigh on the other side of the car, but Tara ignores it. She peaks at him from the corner of her eye and sees her eyeing her bruised knuckles. "What happened?"

Flexing her hand, Tara hides her wince and replies, "I punched the girl who was riding my husband's dick." Nero lets out a bark of laughter which only gets louder as she continues. "Then I punched him." A small smile flutters on her lips. It had felt good to finally take out weeks of pent of anger out on him.

She's not an idiot. She'd known for weeks that Jax had been fucking other women. Sometimes she wouldn't see him for days at a time, and though she struggled to juggle work and the boys, she had kept silent and reasoned that he needed some space after Opie's brutal death. But Jax barely came home, and when he did, he barely acknowledged her. He was slowly falling back into his old ways, and though it hurt her knowing he was out getting his dick sucked by someone that wasn't her, seeing it was so much worse. Once, it would have almost killed her, but this world that she has stupidly decided to embrace has hardened her.

Tara loves her husband. Even now, there is a part of her that aches to run back to him and forget about the women and the violence that is slowly clouding every aspect of her life. But that's not her. The woman who ran and tried to forget about her problems disappeared the moment she became a mother. She's not one to stick her head in the sand and will the problem away any longer. Jax hadn't just hurt her, he'd hurt their family. She'd tried to reason that he was grieving and that it was part of the life, but Tara didn't want it to be part of her life anymore.

She doesn't deserve a man who deals with his emotions by shoving his dick into a willing hole. She had warned him years ago that she wouldn't stick around if he planned on being with other women, and she certainly has no intention to now.

"Ah, so that's what this is," Nero sighs, rubbing at his beard as he sends her a sly smile.

"Sorry?" Tara says.

"Revenge sex."

Had it been about revenge? It feels good knowing that she's gotten one over on her husband, but she hadn't set out to sleep with a man last night. Nero had captured her attention, and between heartache and booze, she remembers enjoying his company and the attention that he paid her. It has been a very long time since a man has looked at her the way Nero did last night.

"No. Last night wasn't about that."

"I thought you didn't remember last night," Nero replies with a smirk.

She doesn't remember last night - but she does remember bits. The image of Nero towering above her as she takes him in her mouth is one too vivid to possibly be something from her imagination. The touch of his hands lingers on her skin and the scent of him consumes her. She remembers scars and tattoos, and the taste of his skin as she traced each one with her tongue. All too clearly she can still feel the weight of him on top of her as he fucked her, the clench of his jaw and the look in his eyes as he took her in.

It's been a very long time since she's felt so connected to someone.

Tara shoots him a dirty look and prays that he can't see her flaming cheeks. "Alright. Maybe I remember a little bit."

Nero's laugh fills the car. Tara tries to hide a smile, but judging by the sparkle in his eyes she doesn't succeed. "Knew that last night would be hard to forget lover!" he chuckles.

Tara forces herself to look away. "I wanted to forget for a while. When I go back, I'm going to have to deal with all of the shit that I ran from yesterday. I was just a girl in a bar, and I wanted to feel normal. I didn't want to be somebodies wife or somebodies mom. I wanted to be me. And.. well, you made me feel free for the first time in years."

Nero's silent for a while, his eyes fixed firmly upon the road as he slowly replies, "Well, for what it's worth, I like you."

"Yes. Well, I like you too." Tara gestures at his scar that peaks out from his black wife beater. "That's what started our little bar chat."

Nero taps his chest almost proudly. "Triple bypass at 42."

Tara taps her fingers on her knee. The surgeon in her is dying to ask him for details but she swallows them back. Instead, she voices a thought that's been plaguing her since she realized that he's a pimp. "I don't get it. Your surrounded by all of those beautiful women, some I'm guessing are barely legal-"

"Hey none of that!" Nero interrupts, sounding slightly affronted for the first time this morning. "My place is legit."

"That's not what I'm getting at. You could have your pick of them, and I'm pretty sure that they would jump at the chance to suck your dick." Nero raises his eyebrows but remains silent. "What are you doing picking up a drunken train wreck at a bar?"

"I don't sleep with my coworkers. Mainly because I'm old enough to be their father." Tara snorts and looks at him incredulously.

"Wait a minute - how old do you think I am exactly? I may not be eighteen anymore but-"

"You're younger than my usual too chica," he replies, his voice low and husky. "I like my women mature. But you? Well, I guess there was just something about you. It's been a long time since I've met a woman who can knock back shots like you can."

Tara laughs. "I must have been shitfaced to fall for those lines."

"They weren't lines. You were funny, sexy, no wedding ring. It seemed like a good idea."

Struggling for something to say, she's almost glad that Nero pulls to a stop outside the bar. The place is a total dive, but it's somewhere she can totally see herself. "Here you go," Nero murmurs, eyeing her from the corner of his eye. "You going to be okay lover?"

Tara looks at him. "Yeah. I'll be okay." With one last look she turns away from his worried eyes, though something makes her pause as she opens the door.

"Tara," she says looking over her shoulder at him. She smiles. "My name's Tara." Without another glance, Tara gets out and slams the door shut with the memory of his warm smile tucked safely away in a corner of her heart.


	3. Chapter 3

Forcing herself not to watch as Nero's truck drives off, Tara focuses on looking for her keys, her heart pounding loudly in her ears as her search proves fruitless. With a strangled cry Tara yanks her bag off of her shoulder and pours the contents on the ground as helpless tears prick her eyes. She's an idiot. For marrying a man who will never be faithful to her, for reacting like a scorned teenager and hopping into bed with the first man that paid her the slightest bit of attention.

She crouches down and finds her keys immediately. Tara rolls her eyes and puts her shit back in her bag and unlocks the car. With a final look at the bar, she allows herself one brief moment to remember her night with Nero and forces herself to forget. She gets in the car and immediately opens the glove compartment, eyes breath leaving in a relived sigh as she pulls out her wedding ring. Cradling it in the palm of her hand, Tara stares down at it weighing her options. She can go back home and pick up her boys, but she's not sure that she's ready to face Jax and the inevitable argument they need to have just yet. Or she can run away for a bit longer from everything and everyone.

Much to her shame, she wants to start the car and get as far away from Charming and her life as she possibly can. It's not an option though, not without her boys. So Tara slides the ring back on her finger and starts the car.

Despite her desire to get back to her boys, Tara does not head back straight away. She's heads to a diner just outside of Charming where she's hopeful not to be known, but by the weary look the waitress gives her as she walks in she's pretty sure that she's been recognized. Tara shoots the woman a dirty look and orders a coffee. She twirls her wedding ring around her finger lost in thought before taking it off and tossing it on the table. The diner is mostly empty apart from an elderly couple, a group of guys from the mill and a worn looking middle aged man who meets her eyes briefly before turning away quickly as the waitress brings her her coffee.

Tara quietly nurses her coffee, her eyes fixed on the wedding ring sitting carelessly on the table. The urge to walk outside and throw it away is strong, but she can't bring herself to do it. If this had been two years ago, Tara would have told Jax to go fuck himself and she'd be leaving Charming by the end of the day. But things are different now. They have a family now, and there is no way in hell Jackson Teller would ever let her leave with his sons.

Her options are to suck it up and work through their shit because this is the life that she chose, or she can leave him and stay in Charming.

Neither option is appealing.

They had been so close to getting everything they wanted, but fate fucked them over once again.

She would give anything to go back a few months to the time when he got out of prison and was determined to get out of Charming no matter what. She had been so hopeful then that they could be safe and happy, but she understood his decision to stay for the club when they needed him most. Hell, she had supported him and she had tried so hard to embrace the club and that side of his life for _him_.

It had all been for nothing.

Goddamn him, but she loves him.

The bell over the diner door rings. There's no need to turn around to see who has walked in, she can already feel the atmosphere change in the diner. He sits down across from her, waving away the waitress as she hesitantly comes for his order. She has to bite her tongue as the woman looks at him for a few seconds too long despite his gaze being fixed on Tara.

She meets Jax's penetrating gaze with a cold glare. He looks wrecked, though she suspects that she doesn't look much better despite showering at Nero's. For a brief moment she wonders how he found her, but the middle aged man sitting across from them nods at Jax as he catches his eye and that's all Tara needs to know. She rolls her eyes and drains the last of her coffee, cursing him silently for being such a fucking stalker when he wants to be.

"Why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?" he asks quietly, his voice softened to a tone that she hasn't heard from him in a long time. Involuntarily, Tara looks down at the ring between them and does not reply. "I thought that you would have gone home after-" he pauses awkwardly. "Where were you last night?" Jax says, his blue eyes flashing with curiosity.

"Fuck you Jax," she replies.

He clenches his jaw tightly, and she can see the effort he's putting in to not snap back at her. "Can we talk?"

"What's there to say Jax?" Tara asks, tired of the same conversation with him. "We've already played this out once, do we really need to do it again?"

"I didn't cheat on you-"

"You have the audacity to deny it!" Tara snaps, her fingers curling around the edge of the table in a hopeless attempt to curb her fury. "I literally walked in on you with your dick buried in another woman!"

Jax leans in closer. "I'm sorry. You know that I am, but there are things that I need to tell you that can't be discussed here." He holds out his hand, his eyes begging her to take it. "Please Tara, just come home."

Tara looks at him steadily. The need to forget all of their problems and just surrender herself to the love that she feels for this man despite all of the pain that it brings is strong. But she _can't._ No amount of rationalizing can change the fact that he's lied and cheated and hurt her - hurt their sons with his betrayals. She's done running away from her problems. "No. I'm done with your excuses. I'm done with you."

Jax's hand curls into a fist, anger clouding his beautiful features. "So that's it? I don't even get a chance to explain my side of things? Other than what you saw, I haven't been with anybody-"

"You don't come home for days at a time, and when you do you barely want to speak to me." Tears brighten her eyes, and fuck it all to hell but she's tired of crying over this selfish stupid boy. "You haven't touched me in weeks," she says, her voice cracking. "What am I supposed to think?" He remains silent, his jaw clenched firmly shut and his eyes twisted in pain. "Tell me!" she cries, slamming her hands down on the table.

A hush falls over the diner, and though her eyes remain fixed upon her husband, she can feel the waitress's eyes on them and the few customers eyeing them in cautiously. If they had been a regular couple, she's sure that they would have been staring in curiosity, but their eyes take one look at them and skitter away quickly. She pays them no mind, though Jax seems to have other ideas.

"You really want to air our dirty laundry in public?" he hisses.

"Hasn't stopped us before," Tara snaps. Jax remains silent, his jaw clenched firmly shut. "You know what Jax? I don't want to know. Do whatever you want, I'm done with letting you hurt me. I'm going to home to my sons, don't bother following me."

Shouldering her bag, Tara gets out of the booth but Jax's hand curls around her wrist tightly before she can walk passed him. He looks up at her, his eyes wild with desperation. "You're just going to leave things like this? I'm trying to fix this, fix _us!_ "

Tara blinks away her tears. "We can't be fixed this time Jax. You want to know where I was last night?" Tara leans in closely and hisses, "I was in another man's bed because _you_ drove me there." Jax lets go of her wrist as though he's been electrocuted. Not waiting to see his reaction, Tara brushes passed him, wondering what the fuck she's just done.


	4. Chapter 4

**I can only apologize for the lack of updates on this story. I've had writers block for this chapter for months. You have Jimmy Smitts starring in How To Get Away With Murder (please dont' send me spoilers! We're so far behind in the UK!) to thank for this update because seeing that delightful man on my screen once again has given me my muse back for this story.**

* * *

With shaking fingers Tara wipes her tears away, but it's useless. The damage is already done and there's no coming back. She digs her car keys out of her bag and hurries to her car as she hears the tinkling bell of the diner door ringing behind her and the sound of the door slamming closed. She doesn't turn as Jax angrily calls out after her, his heavy footsteps pounding down the stairs as he races to catch up to her. Just as she unlocks the car and opens the door, a strong hand shoots out and slams it shut again.

Standing right behind her, he bends his head and hisses into her ear, "Who is he?"

"Fuck off Jax," Tara breathes, her fingers curling tightly around her keys.

A possessive hand curls around her hip and tightens in warning. "Stop playing games. Tell me," he snarls.

She thinks of Nero with his kind smile and his dancing eyes and it tugs something in her chest. He doesn't deserve the shit storm that Jax would bring down upon him just because of a drunken night where he picked up the wrong woman at a bar. Tara turns around and meets Jax's furious glare with one of her own. "Does it matter?"

"Yes," Jax snaps, his lips twisting into a snarl as he crowds her against her car. Tara clenches her jaw and does not back down. Tears maybe still falling from her eyes and she feels like shes going to hurl, but Tara stares him down coldly and allows him to see just how much he has broken her.

"So it's alright for you to fuck anything in a skirt, but the moment I seek out another man you're out for blood? The world doesn't work like that Jax."

"The man that fucked _my wife_ was a dead man the second he shoved his dick in you."

Tara slaps him straight across the face. Jax's head snaps to the side with the blow. Her palm is stinging like a bitch as she curls it into an angry fist. "Don't you _dare_ speak about me like that," Tara hisses furiously. "I'm not one of the clubs skanks. I'm your _wife_. That used to mean something to you once."

For a fleeting second she sees something like shame flash across his face, but it's swept aside and replaced with the deep curling anger that she has come to loathe these days. "It still does Tara," he grounds out, and despite his tone, she knows that he believes it. She knows that without a second thought that Jax will protect her, give his life for her even.

She's just not sure that he respects her like a husband should respect his wife. She knows all too well how the club treats women. Has even experienced it first hand. Jax has had a front row ticket to his mother's relationships with the SAMCRO Presidents and how monogamy was rarely practiced, and he has never known any different. But she has always naively believed that she was enough for him, that their love was far more precious than a fumble between the sheets.

She's a fucking idiot.

"Clearly it doesn't," she says, hating how her voice breaks. Damn him. Damn _her_ for letting herself be put in this position by him _again._ She's smarter than this. But when it comes to Jax, all rational thought flies out the window. And self respect too apparently.

Tara flinches as his large hand cups her cheek, gently wiping away her tears. For a fleeting second he's _her_ Jax again, the one who loves her above all others and wants nothing more than to take all of her problems away.

But it's too late. Between the two of them, they've ruined everything.

"Do you remember when we were kids, and we'd have one of our stupid fights and you'd track down the first blonde you could find to make me jealous?" Tara rolls her eyes. "We still haven't grown up, have we?" Shaking him off of her, Tara looks down at the keys in her hands. "I'm going to pick the kids up. Don't bother coming home, you certainly haven't bothered to the last few weeks."

Jax doesn't move though. "I love you Tara-"

"Oh stop!" Tara snaps, finally at her whits end. She's tired. So fucking tired of this constant back and forth with them. As she has grown older, she has long since learned that love solves absolutely nothing. "Telling me that I'm the only woman you have ever loved has grown old. It doesn't fix anything anymore! I'm so tired of trying to hold onto you. Loving you hurts." She pushes him away from her, her strength failing her when he only stumbles back a step. "I'm done."

Jax clenches his jaw, her words hurting him more than any slap she gives him. "Is that what last night was about? You showing me that we're over."

Wiping away her tears, Tara looks him dead in the eye and sadly says, "I was hurt and drunk Jax. Last night wasn't about you. I didn't even think about you because all I wanted to do was to forget about all of the bullshit that comes with loving you." She swallows against her dry throat and feels a sick satisfaction at the pain is causes in his eyes. "I wasn't looking for revenge. Surely we're passed all of that now, aren't we?"

"You came back to me," Jax says softly. "You married me. You knew exactly what you were getting into. Don't pin this all on me Tara."

Tara laughs bitterly. "Of course it's not all on you. I should have known better. I've always known who you are, what you are. But I thought that we would be different from all of the others." Her lips curve into a bitter smirk. "More fool me right? I don't regret us. I never have Jax. But do you honestly expect me to sit at home raising your kids while you're balls deep in some girl? I'm not Wendy. I told you a long time ago that I wouldn't put up with other women-"

"There aren't any other women!" Jax snaps in frustration, his anger rearing it's ugly head once again.

"So I just imagined yesterday?" Tara hisses. "I'm done," she repeats tiredly as all of the right leaves her. The tinkling of the door bell interrupts them, and the elderly couple that had been in the diner cautiously make their down to their car. Seeing them holding hands twists something in her gut, and tears spring back into her eyes when she sees the old man opening the car door for his wife and helping her into the car. Quickly looking away from them, she catches Jax's penetrating stare and everything comes crashing down on her. She wants to hit him again, maybe run him over with her car or something, because that sweet old couple could have been them one day, but he ruined it. Ruined her, ruined them.

He doesn't even try to hide his shame when he sees her crushed face. Jax reaches for her, and for one fleeting moment she allows herself to be pulled into his comforting embrace.

God, she loves him so _fucking_ much.

"Let me go," Tara whispers. Jax ignores her, his hold on her tightening on her as he feels her tears against his neck. " _Please"_ she begs brokenly.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, running a soothing hand down her back. "I'm so sorry."

It all falls on deaf ears though. "Just let me go-"

"I _can't,"_ Jax hisses. He pulls back and cups her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. He looks wild, desperate as he trips over his words. "I'm sorry. Just let me explain. _Please_ -"

Shaking her head, Tara steps away from him until her back hits the car. "It's not enough Jax," she says softly. His face falls, and damn her, she wants nothing more than to reach out to him, but she can't go back down this road with him again. "We're done," Tara forces herself to say. Not giving him a chance to reply, Tara doesn't look at him as she gets into her car and forces herself to drive away.


	5. Chapter 5

**So guys. Eye Of The Storm is complete and I'm still a little sad but it's time to crack on with this story. I'm still in two minds over who Tara will end up with in this story, so if you're looking for a Jax/Tara HEA, I can't guarantee it this time.**

 **Thank you all for your sweet messages over the course of my pregnancy. They have meant everything to me.** **I am now on maternity leave so expect some more chapters soon.**

 **As ever, I hope you enjoy this angst filled chapter.**

* * *

To her eternal surprise, Jax doesn't follow her home and it's only now that she is alone that she finally allows herself to break. All of the heartache and the fear and the guilt choke her until she can barely take a breath. And so Tara cries for hours, curled up in the middle of her kitchen floor, shedding tears for Jax, for her ruined family, but for mostly herself. Just this one time, Tara embraces the self pity curling around her.

Every time she closes her eyes all she can see is each and every betrayal. He's a terrible man, she's never been under the misapprehension that he is anything other than what he is. But it doesn't matter. She loves him despite it all, still, but it's slowly killing her.

The love that they share is poison, and she's not willing to let herself die this slow agonizing death anymore.

It's true that she has changed over the last five years. Being part of this life has made her a killer and a liar, but it's also made her stronger than she ever thought herself capable of being. All of the pain and the suffering, it's what gives her the strength to finally admit it.

They're over.

For good.

She can live without him, she's almost sure of it.

Maybe she can even be _happy_.

And so despite her aching heart, Tara wipes her tears and stands.

* * *

Gemma comes to drop the kids off the same night, and though Tara can see that the other woman is dying to stick her nose in she wisely chooses not to. She offers to help put the boys to bed but Tara declines with a forced smile. She wants to be alone with her boys and figure out what to do next, and so surprisingly Gemma leaves with a sad smile. She pauses just as she passes Tara, her hand reaching out to squeeze her shoulder gently. "It's the only way he knows," Gemma says quietly. "He loves you, it's always been you. None of the others matter. You're the one he comes home to, has two beautiful boys with."

If she had any fight left in her, Tara would tell Gemma to shove her 'Old Lady Lessons' up her ass. She hasn't needed her advice in months, and she really doesn't need to hear about how it's her duty to turn the other cheek. Instead Tara coldly says, "Don't make excuses for him. Love isn't enough anymore."

Gemma's eyes flash. "So you're willing to rip your family apart over a quick fuck?" she sneers.

Tara leans in closer to her mother in law and hisses, "This is on Jax, not me. He has known from the start that I won't put up with this shit. Jax ruined this, and anything that has happened since is on him."

All pretense of being the concerned mother in law disappears, Gemma snarls and opens her mouth to reply but Thomas starts crying. Both women pause. With one last pointed look at Gemma, Tara goes to see to Thomas and by the time she returns Gemma is long gone.

* * *

For three weeks she hears nothing from him, but every night she hears the engine of his bike driving passed the house to check on them, and every night it brings a new wave of tears. She begs Neeta to work more hours and throws herself into work. Surgery is the only thing that takes her mind off of her failing marriage and her broken family, and though she loves her boys more than anything, seeing their curious faces and fielding Abel's questions about where Daddy is is slowly breaking her heart. Being in his house makes her want to burn it to the ground and right now the hospital is the only place she feels sane.

Still, when she spots Jax waiting outside the door of her office she's tempted to pull on her old trusty running shoes and take off, but he catches her eye and from the hard clench of his jaw, she knows that the second she runs he will be chasing after her despite their current location.

So, Tara takes a calming breath and forces herself to go and talk to her husband.

He looks rough, she notices with spiteful glee. The last few weeks haven't been easy for him. He clearly hasn't slept in days and though she can tell that he's currently sober, he's definitely been drowning himself in whiskey since they last saw one another.

He says nothing as Tara pulls out her keys and steps aside to let him into her office. He's way too close, and any clarity she has gained in the last few weeks threatens to crumble as he passes her and his familiar scent hits her. Tara swallows and takes a moment to collect herself as she follows him inside.

Jax stands stiffly, his entire being radiating his nerves and discomfort. Tara waits him out, he was the one to seek her out after all. Eventually Jax huffs out a breath. "You going to leave me?" he demands bluntly, his body tensing even more at finally voicing those dreaded words.

Tara considers her answer carefully, and though every cell in her body is begging her to say no and that all is forgiven, she can't. She can't do it to herself anymore. But it's not just about her anymore. Her boys worship their father, but she will be damned if she lets them end up anything like him.

Tara curls her hands into fists and forces herself to say, "All I know is that I don't want to be around you anymore."

Jax shakes his head, his predatory eyes watching her every move. "That's a bullshit answer Tara."

"It's the only answer I have," Tara says simply. Jax doesn't reply, he just watches her, those blue eyes taking every inch of her in. She hasn't slept in days and she hasn't eaten a proper meal in weeks, but Tara meets his gaze unflinchingly until Jax sighs.

"This shit with Opie," he says slowly, his voice taut with tension, "it's got my head fucked up."

"Don't use Opie's death as an excuse," Tara snaps, her eyes narrowing at his audacity.

"It's not an excuse," Jax says quietly. "Seeing that - how he died, it broke me Tara."

"Then talk to me," Tara says, her voice breaking. She steps closer to him, her heart breaking at the utter despair that crosses his face. "I'm you're wife! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"It means everything to me," Jax says, almost looking bewildered at the thought of her even thinking anything different. "You, Abel, Thomas. You're my world."

"Why? Why did you do this - you hurt me _again_! You've ruined this, and for what?" Tara demands. "The opportunity to fuck someone new? You knew that I would never stick around if you fucked around on me-"

"Pope threatened you."

For a long moment Tara's entire world shifts. "What?"

Jax runs a hand across his face, his expression completely and utterly hopeless. "Pope.. He threatened you. He had pictures of you and of the kids - he had pictures of Abel in _school_ Tara." Jax swallows, tears springing to his eyes as he begs her to understand.

"He was coming after all of us Tara. This guy wasn't like anything we've been up against in the past. I won't let anyone hurt you, Tara, ever. What you walked in on, it was all arranged. I - Jesus. I didn't want to do it, but I had to push you away. There weren't any other women. I just wanted you to think that, because it's the only way I knew how to get you to leave me."

Tara stares at him, her thoughts and emotions a complete mess. She doesn't know how long she's been crying for but the wetness on her cheeks jolts her into action.

"Jesus Christ Jax." Tara wipes away her tears impatiently. Her hands tremble slightly, and Jax's keen eyes catch it. "Did you not learn anything with Ima?" Tara hisses, the woman's name burning her tongue.

Looking ashamed of himself Jax quietly says, "It worked before didn't it?"

"Things are different. We're married, Jax! You don't get to try to manipulate me, and you most certainly don't get to take my choices away from me," Tara snapped, embracing the seething anger pooling in the pit of her belly. "Jesus Jax, why didn't you just talk to me?"

Jax clenches his jaw, and she knows that she's not going to like this answer one bit. "The second you thought that the boys were in danger, you would have left and you never would have come back." And it's true, regardless of her love for him. She would have taken the boys and damned the consequences, and a part of her hates Jax for not giving her the choice. How could he even consider putting their children in danger for the sake of their relationship?

"But you thought that if you cheated, you might stand a chance of getting me back?"

Jax nods, ashamed of himself. "Even if you didn't forgive me, at least you would have stayed in Charming with the boys." Jax's eyes turn pleading. "I'm so sorry Tara."

She wants to hit him, beat her fists against him until her hands are a ruined mess and she has nothing left to give. Tara shakes her head and looks at him in disgust. "When did you become so selfish?" she hisses. "I slept with another man - you made me into a cheater Jax!" He flinches, his face tightening in anger and Tara's glad for it. Knowing that pain and heartbreak, of believing that he's not enough for her - he deserves every bit of those devastating emotions. "All of this pain, it's all because you couldn't talk to me." She pauses, her shrewd eyes narrowing in thought. "I don't get it. What's changed? Why are you telling me this now?"

Those blue eyes of his turn hard. "Pope's dead," Jax says, his cold voice sending a shiver down her spine.

She wonders what it says about her that she feels nothing but relief that her husband has killed a man.

"Good," she says softly, her anger slowly fading as she watches him.

Jax steps closer to her, his eyes pleading as he says softly, "Tell me how to fix this."

Tara swallows against her dry throat, her eyes burning. She knows what she should say. _There is no fixing this._

But she just can't help herself as she steps closer to him until there's only inches between them. She looks up at him, his agonized gaze unflinching as she places her hand on his cheek, her thumb running over his lips. "You say that we're your world," Tara says softly, her fingertips trembling when Jax places his hand over hers. "Then let's go. Right now. We pack our shit and leave this town. We can start over, Jax, just you and me."

Jax closes his eyes, his body going rigid at her words. And she knows before he even opens his mouth what the answer is, what the answer will always be, but it doesn't hurt any less as he utters the words that breaks them.

"I can't do that, Tara."

He opens his eyes, and she can see the turmoil that he's in but it doesn't matter - none of it matters anymore. He's still talking, but all of his words of how the club needs him and how he can't leave right now, she has heard it all before. Tara purses her lips to stop them from trembling and pulls her hand away. Jax stops mid sentence.

"Then we have nothing left to talk about," Tara breathes, her eyes stinging. She steps back, ignoring Jax's hand as he tries to reach for her.

Jax looks at her as though she's slapped him. "Don't leave me," he begs. "Please babe. I can't do this alone."

"I can't be with you," Tara cries, her voice breaking. "Not in this town. You're changing, _I'm_ changing, and it will kill us Jax, I know it." She shakes her head. "We have two kids Jax. I'm not going anywhere." Jax steps closer to her but Tara stops him with a raised hand. "I won't leave Charming. I won't take the kids from you, I'm not that cruel. But as for us? I can't be with you anymore, Jax."

Jax stares her down, his eyes tightening. as he demands, "Are you still seeing _him_?"

"What? _No_!" Tara hisses, horrified that he even considered it. Jax just watches her, those shrewd eyes burning with an anger that terrifies her. Jax may not know the name of the man who had slept with his wife, but there was always a chance that he could find out if he put his mind on it.

She thinks of Nero, of his kind words and his wicked smile, but more than anything, he made her feel free and beautiful -

She won't let Jax take out his anger on Nero. She _can't_.

"Promise me," Tara says quietly. "Promise me you won't go after him."

"No," Jax snaps.

Tara stands tall and looks her husband square in the eye. Narrowing her tear filled eyes, Tara snarls, "So help me God Jax, I will disappear and I will take our kids with me. I'm done with this shit. Promise me."

Jax clenches his jaw so tightly that she's surprised that it doesn't crack. But he nods all the same, and it's enough.

It has to be.


End file.
